Did I tell you, I love you?

Once again as I embarked on a long journey, without my wife, I felt the pang of separation from my love and friend. I was filled with thoughts and emotions. 

When our being overflows with emotion it drives thoughts out of the mind emptying it, even if only for a brief moment. Then in this emptiness many thoughts surge in.

What if I never get to see her again? 
Its strange, that I have surrendered to Mohini, yet rather than becoming less I am further enriched, physically, emotionally and intellectually. This I guess is the power of love and friendship.


I always want to tell her that she means the world to me and I love her,  and a thousand other things. Words and thoughts which a man and woman, friends, and lovers  should be sharing with one another, but for some inexplicable reason almost never do so. 

Soon after leaving I usually sent her a message from my phone. The message could reflect care, love, regret, a joke, something romantic, advice, maybe even a reminder, whatever it is I feel at that moment. True friends and lovers never adulterate their feelings with too much thought. 

I asked myself, 'If you love her, why did you not tell her directly?'
For one my wife never believes me, after all the grief I give her. 
Secondly the last time I hugged and told her I loved her, , she spun around and confronted me, "Are you having an affair? "
"Of course not, I replied." 
I thought to myself, "By God! what a delightful thing that would be."  

______________________________

I like to converse with myself. 
Why do we seek to cling on to what we have? Maybe this is all that we have. 
There is God I am often told. 
But where is He?

God, He seems so very far away. The more I approach Him the more distant he seems to be. How many steps more must I travel to reach Him? And there are so many middle men.  My wife and my family, they are here and now. I have invested so much in these relationship, of course I have a right to expect a return on my love and devotion.

This is nonsense. If we expect something in return for our love and devotion then it's not love, its business. A commercial deal of give and take. 

Again I asked myself, 'what if I never saw her again?'  The survivor would be devastated. Really? Why should it be so?

From experience and understanding, realisation is born which blooms into acceptance.
Worry never robbed tomorrow of its sorrow, it just robs today of its essence.

We come alone into this world and alone we shall leave it.  How silly we humans are, that for the brief time we spend while we are here, to gather so much?  As if we will live here forever. Things, relationships, wealth, position, status, all we should relinquish voluntarily or they will be snatched away from us anyway.  Give and give with joy and without expectation. Share and share with compassion. 

Love is not a demanding but a giving. Only an Emperor can give with magnanimity. Where as a beggar is exacting, expecting his or her due in full, and if possible even more.  

Love and friendship fortunately are unlike money.
If we give and love unconditionally, the more we give the more we are enriched. 
Maybe I have evolved, maybe I have just grown too comfortable and lazy, maybe I am trying to fool destiny. I am lucky that I live like an emperor, I treasure just the moment, and I never send her sentimental messages anymore.